This evening I started typing up a McFatty post. It was full of goals and plans.
I got about halfway through and Eddie demanded a bit of attention, which I freely gave because I will be seeing much less of him starting tomorrow.
Within about a half a second I realized he was tired, so off to the nursery we went.
As I sat down to rock him, he nestled his little head up against me chest and pulled lamby up to his nose.
Since he has gotten so much bigger, he prefers to sit on my lap backward and wrap his legs around me so he can still rest his head against my chest. Lately, he has also taken to wrapping his non-lamby arm around me too.
We rocked in silence for about three or four minutes.
The only sound was the humidifier and the random creaks of the old rocking chair.
I nuzzled my nose into his fluff-pile of blond curls and whispered my realization,
“I am really going to miss you tomorrow, bubs.”
He made a very soft little chirping sound and looked up at me.
I could just see his big, dark eyes staring up at me in the dark.
I kissed his forehead. He made the kissing sound behind his pipey and smiled up at me.
We did that back and forth a few times until he let out a big sigh and snuggled back into me.
I rocked silently for a little bit before I just stopped and sat.
I knew he could get laid down in his bed with no problem, but I continued to sit.
I could feel his little heart beat against me. His breathing was getting heavier. His arm or leg would twitch every now and then.
I stroked those soft curls finding a little tangle or remnant of dinner here or there.
He smelled of baby lotion and a wee bit of garlic from dinner.
He smelled soft.
These past two weeks have been eye-opening for me. Eddie has started to form words. He signs things without being prompted to do so. He looks to me to tell him things. He wants to learn from me.
He also needs me.
Run-by huggings and kissings have occurred.
My legs get embraced while I bake or sort mail.
And tonight…in the rocker…his arms hugged me. his eyes smiled at me. his sleepy little self snuggled me.
We sat that way until he pointed sleepily to his crib.
As I laid him down and tucked him in. His little hand went up and waved.
I melted. And made myself push down the anxiety of being away.
I will miss this boy during the day tomorrow, and Tuesday, and each day after that while I concentrate on other people’s kids.
Until a break brings our focus back to each other again, please let me find peace.