until the next break

This evening I started typing up a McFatty post.  It was full of goals and plans.

I got about halfway through and Eddie demanded a bit of attention, which I freely gave because I will be seeing much less of him starting tomorrow.

Within about a half a second I realized he was tired, so off to the nursery we went.

As I sat down to rock him, he nestled his little head up against me chest and pulled lamby up to his nose.

Since he has gotten so much bigger, he prefers to sit on my lap backward and wrap his legs around me so he can still rest his head against my chest.  Lately, he has also taken to wrapping his non-lamby arm around me too.

We rocked in silence for about three or four minutes.

The only sound was the humidifier and the random creaks of the old rocking chair.

I nuzzled my nose into his fluff-pile of blond curls and whispered my realization,

“I am really going to miss you tomorrow, bubs.”

He made a very soft little chirping sound and looked up at me.

I could just see his big, dark eyes staring up at me in the dark.

I kissed his forehead.  He made the kissing sound behind his pipey and smiled up at me.

We did that back and forth a few times until he let out a big sigh and snuggled back into me.

I rocked silently for a little bit before I just stopped and sat.

I knew he could get laid down in his bed with no problem, but I continued to sit.

I could feel his little heart beat against me.  His breathing was getting heavier.  His arm or leg would twitch every now and then.

I stroked those soft curls finding a little tangle or remnant of dinner here or there.

He smelled of baby lotion and a wee bit of garlic from dinner.

He smelled soft.

These past two weeks have been eye-opening for me.  Eddie has started to form words. He signs things without being prompted to do so.  He looks to me to tell him things. He wants to learn from me.

He also needs me.

Run-by huggings and kissings have occurred.

My legs get embraced while I bake or sort mail.

And tonight…in the rocker…his arms hugged me.  his eyes smiled at me.  his sleepy little self snuggled me.

We sat that way until he pointed sleepily to his crib.

As I laid him down and tucked him in.  His little hand went up and waved.

I melted.  And made myself push down the anxiety of being away.

I will miss this boy during the day tomorrow, and Tuesday, and each day after that while I concentrate on other people’s kids.

Until a break brings our focus back to each other again, please let me find peace.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl…wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Awww! SB holds me the exact same way! Only difference is that her lovely is “Kitty.” It is basically the only way she fits in my lap anymore. And it is so magical. I love it! And, when she is ready, she also points to her crib. So cute! And sweet.

    • isn’t it the best to cuddle up like that before bed? There is just something about it that makes the world stop for those few minutes.

  2. So sweet. I can’t imagine how hard it is leaving him but since you’re not teaching at nite this semester, you’ll get to be home more in the evenings and the sooner school starts back, the sooner school will be out! You are a fantastic mother and an amazing woman to be so dedicated to helping other people’s children too!

    • being able to go home after teaching during the day is definitely a plus. There aren’t any days anymore that I have to worry about going the whole day without seeing him…I get to have this night routine EVERY night. And thank you for the compliments. Sometimes it’s just good to have someone tell you you’re doing a good job, ya know?

  3. Oh, friend, my heart is with you. While Dan did the go-to-bed routine because that’s his “job” in the evenings, I know that tomorrow, when I drop him off at daycare, I will choke down tears. I will miss him. But you know what? The missing him reminds me how awesomely I’m doing at the kicking of PPD/A ass. And I hope that you find some solace in that at least. You’re finding your way as a mother, you know? And that’s something to bring a little peace to your troubled heart.

    • You are so right, my friend. These appreciations of small things? They are proof that the PPD is not winning anymore. I can love these moments and miss them. That means I have bonded with my little boy in a way I hadn’t done before. And when I got home yesterday? He ran into my arms. I had to choke back happy tears as we sat and read three books while I was still in my coat!

  4. peace to you, my friend. Have a great day tomorrow, seriously.
    And I hope tomorrow night is just as good as tonight was.

  5. I am sending you lots of hugs for tomorrow! And you owe me a hug, too, cause you’ve got me all teary over here! 😉 Such a sweet boy!

  6. Made me tear up a little because that is where I’m going to be in about a half an hour. I love that feeling where they simply melt into you. Darling Girl doesn’t have a lovey, she has my ear. She folds it over and plays with it until she dozes off.

    A beautiful post. I’m glad you get to be home in the evenings this semester!

    • Oh I think it is SO precious that DG folds your ear. Their little hands figuring things out is one of the softest, most remarkable things ever!

      Thanks, you.

  7. Wow! I can feel the emotion in your words. I too deal with these feelings as I go back to work tomorrow after two weeks offs. But I too understand your words from the beginning of break. I find myself wondering how I could handle it at home every day. I need the stimulation that my career holds. But…those little babies are really hard to leave behind every morning. Good luck going back to work tomorrow! I know it’ll be hard for both of us, but we’ll throw ourselves into our jobs and be the amazing woman we strive to be! And at the end of the day, we’ll snuggle a little longer with these little guys because we remember not to take it for granted. These last two weeks have taught us that.

    • you are so right, Kyley! We are lucky to have time off to remind us of how special it is that we get to have the added job of being MOM to these little people 🙂 Going back to work is totally hard, but knowing there are lulls in the crazy to just “be” with our kids? That makes it worth it!

  8. You rock Babes… seriously! I’m so lucky to have you by my side to raise Ed. I see more and more of him in you every day; and he gives me the largest smile when I tell him that he’s acting like his Mommy. Like he knows he’s doing it to get at me just as you do when you’re home. 🙂 We’ll miss you too! I dread going back to class next week with the same heavy heart you do.

    Together we can get through. Love you!

    • Thank you, honey bear. There is no way I could do what I do in this world without you by my side. You are my strength when I just don’t have any. And it makes me smile to know Eddie acts like his mommy…especially when I am not there! You need the reminder 🙂 Love you!!

  9. mamachaplin says:

    aw, just love this. such a sweet post. took me back to a couple of years ago when my sweet girl was much smaller 🙂 hoping you find peace.

  10. I just wrote my “Goodbye to vacation” post too. It’s so sad. But there’s a 3-day weekend coming up that will certainly help! 🙂

  11. So sweet! I felt bad for my husband when he left for work this morning, he’s been with our son every day since 12/24. I’m hoping his transition back to reality isn’t too difficult.

    It’s posts like this that remind me how blessed I am to be able to stay home and raise my little guy. Even though it is trying at times, the rewards (hugs, kisses, etc.) make it ALL worth while.

    Hugs to you!

    • Working is totally difficult, but I could NEVER stay home by myself with Eddie all day every day. I haven’t had to be a “stay at home mom” on my own since Eddie was born. And it was the hardest thing ever. While I miss him greatly to the point of my heart breaking sometimes? I know it makes me a better mom to be working. I wish I could have the SAH qualities…but I don’t. I am at times jealous of women like you who can do it and do it so well!

  12. I love love love sitting with sleepy children. Love it. Even the 5 year old, sometimes I think – he’s big enough to figure out this nigh nigh thing, but then remind myself that one day when he’s a teenager he probably won’t want to be near me. So yah – I soak it in. Like you do. Until the next break…

    • It’s true. Each time he crawls up to cuddle with me, I think about how those times are numbered. There will come a time when he will push away my hugs instead of offering them up to me. So yes…soakin’ it up!

  13. So sweet! And beautifully written…made me tear up.

    I haven’t had a break from work, but my work gets insanely busy in January and February. So going to work this morning was also bittersweet for me, because I don’t know how many wake-ups and bedtimes I’ll miss the next few months. I felt like I had to soak in R this weekend. So hard when they are growing so fast!

    • That is how I was last semester. I worked 2 nights a week teaching at the community college, so those nights didn’t see Eddie all day. I left before he got up in the morning and I was home after he was already in bed. It was killing me. That is why I reluctantly gave up teaching that class this semester. I needed to be home.

      You’re right…they grow up so dang fast! Thanks for reading. I so appreciate it.

  14. Katie my dear, you captures this loving moment so beautifully. Know that these moments will be that much more sweeter once you return to work. So much sweeter. Working sucks and it would be so much easier to stay home with our wee ones ::sigh:: stupid work.

    • working does suck, but it really puts things into perspective that otherwise we might take for granted, yes?

  15. This is so sweet and beautifully written. I envisioned myself doing the same with Brayden. It is those moments that make me love being a mommy!

    • me too. those moments are the ones that make me feel like we made the right decision becoming parents for sure!

  16. love you lady. hope your first day back was tolerable, and maybe even enjoyable. Eddie loves you!!!

    • the first day back was ok. it went later than I wanted, but when I got home? Eddie ran into my arms with a book before I could even get my coat off. totally worth it 🙂

  17. I’m late reading this, but I hope today was manageable. And I hope tonight is as wonderful as last night. Eddie is lucky to have a wonderful mommy like you!

    • thanks, friend. yesterday was manageable and bedtime was soft and lovely again. I do love being that little boy’s momma 🙂

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