19

Dear Eddie,

You are 19 months old today.  NINETEEN MONTHS.

That is huge.  Next months you will be in your 20’s…months that is…and I will start to admit that you will be turning two this year.

But for now?  You are 19 months and still my baby who is NOT turning two…yet.

You just had your latest well child appointment (yes, they say well “child” now, not well “baby”.  And yes, that bothers me.  I would like you to be a baby, thank you very much) this past week.

You weighed in at almost 30 pounds (a loss since 3 months ago), and measured in at 35 inches (three inches up in 3 months!)!  The computers were down, so they didn’t calculate what percentile you are in, but my guess is that you are a tall drink of water.

Most times people mistaken you for around two years old based on your height and your excellent gross motor skills.  You are a jumper, a runner, and a dancer, little man!

Your fine motor skills are apparently ahead of the game too.  Not only do you stack blocks, but you can delicately turn them to fit how you want without clumsily knocking them all over.

Yes, you are all kinds of genius and curious.

But you know what?  If I am being totally honest here with you?  You are getting on my nerves more frequently too.

You have gotten louder.

more impatient.

more independent–even when you can’t handle it.

more defiant.

more rammy in the house.

more stubborn.

more picky with your eating.

more tantrumy.

more like your mom.

maybe that is why our sweet times are so very cuddley and lovely…

but when we butt heads?  It’s like the Apocalypse is happening in Sluiter Nation.

Your language is exploding.  In the last month you have started naming almost everything…even if it’s just with the first sound of the word.  And when you don’t have the word?  You get MAD.  You get FRUSTRATED.

Daddy is so much more calm and patient when we can’t understand what you want.  I tend to get just as frustrated as you do.

Our new schedule is a test for you and me, Eddie.  Daddy is gone Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights to class.  So you and I are alone for dinner and bedtime.

I have relied on Daddy to be the calm one.  The moderator between you and me.

And I can’t lie, there have been some nights I didn’t think we were going to make it, buddy.  Some nights you don’t want anything I offer to you.  Some nights are a power struggle at bedtime.  Some nights I cry and cry as you scream and scream.

But we have made it.

And each time we are left alone, I am a little less nervous.

I know I am your mom and I should be nervous or have anxiety about being left alone with you, but I do.  I do, Eddie.

I blame postpartum depression.

I blame postpartum anxiety.

I blame those triggers that have embedded themselves so deeply in my brain that tell me that I am not enough for you.

That I am not good enough for you.

I ache to hear you call me “momma”.

I yearn for you to say “I love you” back to me.

Until that time, my sweet, 19-month old?

Your smile will be enough for me.

Because those eyes do not lie, dear Eddie Bear.

And I love you, too.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Awww I love this! I know exactly how you feel… My 23mo is stubborn just like his mom and I rely so much on my calm and collected husband to handle it.

  2. This is my first comment on your blog, or any of for that matter. After reading this I felt compelled to comment with a simple, Thank you! It’s like you looked in to my heart/brain and took my thoughts and words right out! I have an 18m old and we are dealing with this too. Good luck!

    • Oh friend! I am so glad you commented! I am glad you could relate…that my words could mean something to you. Good luck with your little 18mo! We will get through this age together!

  3. Beautiful! I love that you call him “Eddie Bear”! 🙂

    Getting through that inbetween stage of almost talking, but not quite is really hard. We got Darling Girl to point at things A LOT!

    We are just the opposite in our house, I’m the calm, collected one and hubby is the one who buts heads with DG!

  4. Happy 19 months! He will be saying “I love you momma” soon – I promise. I yearned for my oldest to say this as well and it is amazing once it starts. Glad you are getting a little less nervous as the time passes.

  5. So sweet! Happy 19 months!
    I write this as my 9 month old screams from the bedroom and her dad sits with her because my anxiety yanks at me and I need to take a breather.
    Its nice to know I’m not the only one.

  6. Wow, he IS a big boy! My daughter just turned 2 and she weighs 27.5 pounds and is 37.5 inches tall. And that still puts her in the 75% for height, but only 50 for weight. 🙂

  7. So sweet. Happy 19 months!

    I’ve felt exactly the same way about it being too much. But mine is 2 1/2 now and one of his most-commonly uttered phrases is, “I love you, too.” He says it on his own, not in response to something I’ve said. Which I take to mean that despite all the rough times we’ve had, I’ve said “I love you” enough. Which means he’s said it back enough that it’s now just what he says. Which means I’m enough, and he loves me.

    Can’t wait for your post when you get there with Eddie too 😉

  8. I say that every age has been my favorite age, but I am truly loving 19 months just now, too. =)

  9. You have a beautiful son, and a beautiful heart full of love for him. You guys will do just fine! Oh…and I so want to tousle his little curls!!!!

  10. With everything I know and everything you taught me, I know that Eddie is so blessed to have you as a mother. I’m sure some day he’ll tell you that you are more than enough and more than he could ever ask for.

    You are an amazing person and i admire how hard you work for you family.

    And seriously, those pictures of eddie? the CUTEST little boy. :]

  11. eddie is a big boy! Solo is 30 lbs too and 11 months older! whoa!
    hang in there my friend.

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