So how did this happen? What spawned the mess? The piles?
The seemingly never-ending piles occurred because of postpartum depression.
BIG EXHALE….yes, I just typed it. I just said it. I just admitted it. To anyone who wants to read it.
Where did it begin? How did my life turn into, well, this? In 2007 I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and saw a therapist. I was open about this.
I learned coping techniques and they worked. For almost two years. Then I had a baby.
After Eddie was born, I didn’t feel right. There were lots of things that I attributed it to: hormones, no sleep, a colicky baby, feeling cooped up in the summer.
Then fall came and I figured I felt these things because I was going back to work and leaving my baby.
Then Cort lost his job and I strangely had a lull in all the bad, guilty, tense, sleepless issues. Cort was home with Eddie. I used my anxiety techniques to get myself through the blow of being a one-income family.
Then I started working at CC and I fell off the proverbial ledge. My sanity went down the tubes…whatever cliche for losing your mind, go ahead and insert here.
I was not me.
It was all the feelings I had after Eddie was born, but multiplied by a zillion.
Working two jobs made me have non-stop guilt. This guilt lead to me feeling paranoid about people judging me. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. A simple lesson plan that would normally take me 10 minutes to figure out would take me well over an hour. I was spinning my wheels on things I used to do without a second thought.
This paranoia caused little sleep. I couldn’t fall asleep even though I was exhausted. The smallest noise would wake me up and I would have to start all over again.
It was really a vicious cycle. Not getting sleep amplified all the rest of the bad and heaped on a healthy dose of SNAP at everyone I love. I felt as if they were judging me the most.
I am so organized, why can’t I do it all? What is wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be great at everything? If I’m not , SOMEONE is being let down.
This consumed me until the piles crashed all around me. Everything just fell in one night in a massive breakdown that prompted Cortney to say, “maybe you need to see the doctor.”
Just before my breakdown, I had just read a friend’s blog describing how she wasn’t feeling “right” after her baby boy was born. All the comments suggested it may be postpartum depression. I even agreed–I wanted her to take care of herself!
When Cort suggested that I might need a doctor, it started to make sense…I fit ALL the symptoms. ALL OF THEM.
My doctor–who does NOT like to turn straight to meds–almost immediately started writing me a script for antidepressants.
They have helped me IMMENSELY.
My doc did tell me that because I have a history now (anxiety, depression), it’s very possible that this could be a fairly permanent thing. Depending on my stress/workload level.
This week I found out my district is making another round of MASSIVE cuts (closing another elementary building, closing our alternative high school, cutting secondary (grades 7-12) positions, among many others). This puts my job yet again at risk.
The piles grew this week as I struggled with this news. I was out last week with pneumonia, and it added to the piles. I started to feel that old weight settling on my chest.
I started reading more about others who have the same issues that I do. All of them had the same message: talk about it. Get it out and let people know.
I struggled with this because although everyone knows I enjoy the center of attention (hello, I BLOG for the world to see), I don’t like awkward things like pity or sympathy. I don’t like to seem like I am whining. (Even though I do whine a lot about non-important things…like the dumb zit I just got today…ugg!).
I think you get what I am saying.
Yes, it was hard for me to put this out there. But the deciding vote for this was when Cortney told me he thought I should put it out there. It’s like washing your hands of it.
The piles will still be there when I get to work tomorrow, but because I have supportive people in my life who love me no matter what, I think…yes…I do…I see a light at the end of all those piles.
Light and peace.